of all my friends i am one of the few who posts alot ... except kreen, res used to post alot ... i like his posts ... a few others post but i dont know them in real life so that kind of puts a downer on it all ... after a heavy rain through out the night utica smells like a lake town after a rain .. the ground itself smells like a lake, and for some godforsaken reason every nightcrawler and worm crawls out into the streets only to be run over as cars speed by in the early dawn long before the worms instincts tell it that it would be better to be back underground ... this all reminds me of all of the times i went fishing, with my father and my friends, i liked fishing .. not that i like to eat the fish just the act itself .. you sit out in a very rural area with your friends and jsut be very very quiet .. you dont talk much .. and your all doing something together .. its strange i have no way of describing the feelings i have when i am fishing, its very peacful and tranquil .. very tranquil .. not that i have been fishing in years ... i still have my old fishing pole and all of my old lures ... and 50 or 60 stories to go along each one ... i need to go fishing again .. with who i do not know but it would be fun .. just to sit on a boat with friends .. being quiet ... its nice you know ... i havent been to sleep yet ... i slept most of yesterday so its not too bad .. but i wish that i could have slept it would have kept my body on a good schedual .. i am not sure if i should go and see junko this weekend and if i do how i will do so .. i will talk with my mother about the car and see if i can take it down there for the weekend ... i know it would be less stressfull to take a bus but i barly have enough money now to take the bus down there, i wouldnt have any spending money, and i am not sure if i will get my fathers check early enough for it to make a difference ... so i think i will ask to barrow the car ... or maybe postpone the adventure till next weekend ... i feel a little trepid at going down too ... i dont know why ... but i do ... i dont want to argue with her ... i just want to sit around and be lazy and be outside and hang out and not have to be doing something important ... absolutly nothing important must go on while i am down there ... i just want to relax ... no stress ... and for some damned reason i love this girl ... i have told girls before that i felt i loved to go take a long walk off a short pier for asking of me some of the things she has asked me and yet with her i comply quickly, eagarly, most of the things she asks me to do i really dont care about though so i`m not sure if it really is that big of a thing .. my attitude toward some of these things has been changing ... which is kinda wierd cause i really dont change ... i have been the same way for quite a long time .. and probably will be this way for quite some time more ... i`ve pretty much looked the same since i was in 10th grade .. that being some god 5 years ago wow where does the time go ?? some place .. down the tubes .. yeah a big fucking tube .. hey joey joey look over there a big fucking tube ... hehe gotta love carlin ... i have to mail out everything today for college .. i feel really trepidious against leaving here before i have my degrees, so i am kind of hoping that none of the colleges will accept me or that i wont be able to pay for them now ... so that i can finish here ... i almost feel as though i havent finsihed high school even though i have a sheet of paper that tells me that i have .. it says that i did pretty good too ... but all of this college and high school just kind of ran into each other ... it doesnt feel like i left really ... its just kind of one big continuation .. i`m not even really that sure what i am going to be able to do with my degrees .. i mean really what kind of work does a partical physist do ?? i suppose i can teach at some college ... its not all that bad really my physics teacher here makes 40k plus lots and lots of benifits too so thats not too bad ... and thats another thing .. junko want to be very well off .. and i am not sure if i can provide that kind of life style for her ... i know i can provide something like upper middle class and maybe something better than that you know ??? but some of the things that i know she wants i dont think i will ever beable to give her ... i hate having to say that i will try to get her these things ... i want to be sure and say yes when i finish all of this i will beable to buy you this or we can live here or there or where ever ... kinda depressing really ... and i know that everyone will be like well what the fuck she should have these kinds of expectations and that she should just take what she gets ... and this is true .. but i want to make her happy and if that means living in the suburbs in a big house then so be it ... thats all i want to do is make her happy .. i dont know why i want to but thats what i want to do ... as screwed up as all of this is ... i can feel my life solidifing infront of me ... changing from the liquid goop to jello right before my eyes ... i can almost feel that the rest of my life has already been determined for me ... i will do this and then this and then this and then this ... and that this will be my life and i have to accept it all ... now that is scary ... i dont want to be my father .. always promising and never being able to deliver .. always having to say maybe ... i hated that ... it always got my hopes so high and then when they hit the ground there was nothing you could do for them ... icarus never fell down as much as i did as a child ... and for some dumb reason i kept on believing ... i think thats what my father liked though that i acctually believed in him long after everyone else had stopped ... that to this day i keep on believing in him ... but he comes through for me .. not in a very timly manner but he does ... and i am patient enough to wait ... i am very patient .. so much so that i hope death throws up her hands in frustration over me and then leaves me the fuck alone ... i just want to watch a star form from nothing ignite burn for eternity and the explode in one last firey display of life ...
~Zehaeva