so i havent been writing in here lately. i havent had alot that i have wanted to speak about. about my life and thoughts. honestly i havent been having many earth shattering thoughts recently. i havent had any thoughts that would shake a tissue.
i have been alot more flirtatious recently, that i have noticed.
when i look back over my life i notice that for the majority of it i felt as though i was the same person through it all. i think for the most part that is true.my personality hasnt changed much in the whole of my life. i can say that i am not the same person i was when i was 13 or 14. its harder to say if i am so different from who i was when i was 15 or 16. i still value many of the same things. i still love music, and have the same fantasies. i still dream the same dreams. though my stance on a few subjects has changed over time.
most notably would be my thoughts on love and my heart and who i give it to. i once believed that my love would never go away. well i still do believe so. feeling that strongly for someone just doesnt go away. it fades until its just a figment. to where if you think about it you can still feel it but its hollow. theres no real substance to it. its like looking at a ghost. i have reclaimed all the pieces of me that i gave away so long ago. my heart is whole, and my own. it is no longer divided umong those who i have given a little bit of myself to.
my poetry and stories have changed as well. not the content nor the way that is writen but my attitude towards it. i used to carry it all around with me as if i had my life in those books. my life is in those books, but i have realized that even though its in there, writen in black and white, loosing it is not the worse thing that can happen to me. i can always make more. it matters not if i have them. it matters that i wrote those pages, that is all.
i have become more stoic over the years. i used to be so brash and brazen. so full of myself. i suppose that the lessions that i feel are so hard for myself, namely that of humility, is something that i have been learning. that and how to live. not to go out and party. that i dont think is living any more than locking yourself away is living.
being with yoru friends and cherishing them, enjoying what you have, that is living. fighting for what you want, that is living.
i wonder if i was someone else when i was 17. and when i was 19 too. i know that i was the same as i am when i was 20. so did i ever change? well maybe a little. i am not as stagnate as i once thought i was. my soul and heart grows. i want it to continue to change and evolve.
i wonder who i will be in a year. and who will i be when i am 30. will i be as idealistic as i am now, as i always have been?? will i be more serious?? or will i be a little bit more goofy than i am now. (is goofier a word??)
i maybe always be the same person at heart, a geek, a dreamer, a lover, with a bit of aragance and some slow wisdom thrown in too. but what else will i be?
strange for someone in their twenties to wonder the same questions that he wondered when he was twelve. strange that i should still ask my self these words after so much time. who will i be when i grow up?
stranger still is that i feel that i will never stop asking those questions. i think that even when i am thrity and fourty i will still stare at the stars and think to myself, who am i? why am i here? where will i be going? what will it be like when i get there??
ahh looking too far ahead will cause me to trip and stumble right ?? well i hate looking at my feet. i would rather stare at clouds.
~Zehaeva
Utada Hikaru - First Love
inquizitive