ack, i am awake too early, and there is no one online to speak with. i`m a it lonely( as if you didnt notice with that one post) so i think i`ll just spill myself out onto these pages.
and now i dont know what to say. what goes through my mind is entirely too much to post here. i dont think anyone would want to read it any ways. it would be something akin to john doe`s journals anyways. it is already close enough.
i am once again in need of physical contact. i dontknow why this is so. thats alie, i do. because even though i can close off my mind my heart still aches. it aches to breathe in a womans scent, and feel her warmth accross my flesh. the weight of her, her heart beat. hear her breathing. it is probably the most horrible part of my delimma. i have shut my self away again so much that all i need is a physical presence. i can entertain my mind and my body well enough on my own. but i can not fool my heart. it knows. it is blind and yet sees more than the rest of me.
damn my heart
i dont like talking to people either. especially people who are trying to comfort me. i dont feel comfortable. the last person i confided completely in left me. i kind of gave up on her too. no i did give up on her. and ran away into the first thing i could find.
i never deserved her.
here i am the great philosopher, the great mind and a believer that love conqours all, well doesnt it? and i gave up. because .. i was scared.
and if she could read these words right now she would say that i am getting what i deserve. i probably do deserve this.
i just wish it would end already. honestly. my heart has been quivering for :sighs:: two years now, i want it to stop. either that or fall in love again, and have a girl fall in love with me too so i can forget all of this. so i can envelop myself into her and disappear.
desperate am i not?
each day is different, and depending on it i change. i am happy or sad or i work hard or i give up easliy. maybe the problem wasnt with any of the girls i was with. maybe the problem was, heh, is with me.
well look at it every relationship i have ever had has ended with the girl leaving me, with the exception of one. the all ended horriblly and painfully, for me atleast. maybe its just me. had i stood there in that hall way and fought for liisa, said no, you cant break up with me, i wont let you. and when i saw her next just stayed with her. that night, the day after and the day after, and never left her. she and i would still be here right ?
and junko ::sighs:: i could say this for everyone couldnt i? i could make the same arguement no matter who it was. though that maybe proves my point. i am the defunct one. and i dont know how to fix me.
if you know me in real life you know that i am quite forceful, with my ideas and beliefs and with myself as well. i push untill the rest of the world cracks and strains under me. i push untill the rest of the world gives in. i am quite the domminate personality, and there are very few people who i deffer to. and in the bedroom i havent given up control to anyone. i tried with liisa once. it didnt go very well. i absolutly paniced. i just wasnt ready to loose control. but this has developed into a great fantasy of mine, one where i give up to her, i give up my control, my freedom, everything for her. it is a bit scary but terribly exciting. but then i think that she is quite submissve and that someone else may be in control of her, so i would have to give myself to the one who is over her just to be with her. still giving up everything for her. but still i can not help myself. i must be in control. and so other fantasies grow as well. where i am in control. where i take her and wrest her from someone, anyone. but she is not enough. she is a ghost from long ago. and i have closer things to touch.
and so my fantasies with them grow. me towering like a giant, as i do now. and me on my knees begging for forgiveness, as i never have done. giving myself to one other. do you have any idea how hard that is to do even in just fantasy? maybe not, probably not. i shake and tremble at the thought of doing o in real life. to just give up everything to someone. i dont know how i would react. though i think maybe it would be a bit anticlimatic, everything in life seems to be that way. but i wont know about that one untill i move. hopefully i will get a chance to.
and no one here that i know is strong enough to hold me. i dont know anyone who can give myself to. i dont care for anyone enough i guess. that and, honestly i havent met many women who are interested in doing that. in my experiance most women are more submissive than dominate. junko was a force to be reckoned with, but when you got her behind closed doors she meltsed and her strength gave way. well the rest of the relationship was good.
so i wonder why woman are so. its probably a social thing. which would make sense. so i have to find someone who is strong that is all. someone who cares about me enough to see all of my dreams turned to real life. i need a switch. some one equal to me, so we can fight back and forth through all of our lives. no one ever more powerful than the other, just moments when one is in control and the other follows. but not for long. eventually the other will win for a little while. and on and on and on and on.
~Zehaeva
food sizzling